Inner Connection begins with this truth:
Every heart longs to be seen, known, and accepted without condition.
This is what Hashem offers us. It is what we long to receive from the people we love. It is what they long for in return. And it is what the lovable child in ourselves—the nefesh—longs to receive.
When I find myself overwhelmed by feelings of frustration, disappointment, or inadequacy, I don't try to silence them.
I listen.
Before I fall asleep, I ask my nefesh a simple question:
"What are you feeling?"
Then I let it speak:
"I feel like a failure."
"I'm discouraged."
"I'm frustrated."
"He’s so much farther than I am in life."
"I’m a loser."
Are those thoughts true?
Not necessarily.
But in that moment, my nefesh is overwhelmed by them. Rather than arguing with those feelings or trying to fix them, I'm with them.
Where did I learn this?
From Hashem.
Listen to this powerful Midrash Tehillim (4:3): “When a person has a visitor, the first time he comes, he’s offered a couch. The second time – a chair. The third time – a stool. The fourth time he comes, he is told, ‘How much you bother and crowd me!” Not so with God. The more we press and come to His place of prayer, the more joy exists before Him.”
Wow. What an astonishing idea.
Hashem never says, " Hello - this is getting old," or “Hello - we dealt with this – 17 million times already” etc. He never becomes weary of hearing our hearts.
Knowing that changes the way I approach Him. I want to unburden myself to Him.
It also changes the way I try to relate to my own nefesh.
This is exactly what I saw in my favorite parenting book, “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.” Listen to what the author’s adult daughter recalls from her own childhood:
“I remember saving up the frustrations of my school day. I knew that I could bear it when the teacher was mean or some terrible injustice occurred because when I got home I could tell my mom. She’d listen to my outrage and I would be soothed and strengthened for the next assault. Even as a little girl I noticed that other parents were different and I remember wondering how other kids got by without having anyone to listen to their sorrows.”
This is the gift Hashem gives us.
This is the gift a parent gives a child.
And this is the gift our neshamah gives our nefesh. Try it.
The next time you find yourself overwhelmed, don't rush to fix the feelings or push them away.
Instead, ask:
"What are you feeling?"
Then listen.
Not as a technique to make the feelings disappear.
Not as a strategy to regain control.
Simply because every part of us longs to be seen, known, and accepted, to not feel like a burden to another.
Only after your nefesh has finished speaking you might ask:
"Would you like my help thinking about what comes next?"
And thus, upon the foundation of trust and warmth, begins the next stage of Inner Connection: Loving Authority and Guidance.
Thanks for reading,
Henry Harris
To view this idea as a video, visit HERE.
Every heart longs to be seen, known, and accepted without condition.
This is what Hashem offers us. It is what we long to receive from the people we love. It is what they long for in return. And it is what the lovable child in ourselves—the nefesh—longs to receive.
When I find myself overwhelmed by feelings of frustration, disappointment, or inadequacy, I don't try to silence them.
I listen.
Before I fall asleep, I ask my nefesh a simple question:
"What are you feeling?"
Then I let it speak:
"I feel like a failure."
"I'm discouraged."
"I'm frustrated."
"He’s so much farther than I am in life."
"I’m a loser."
Are those thoughts true?
Not necessarily.
But in that moment, my nefesh is overwhelmed by them. Rather than arguing with those feelings or trying to fix them, I'm with them.
Where did I learn this?
From Hashem.
Listen to this powerful Midrash Tehillim (4:3): “When a person has a visitor, the first time he comes, he’s offered a couch. The second time – a chair. The third time – a stool. The fourth time he comes, he is told, ‘How much you bother and crowd me!” Not so with God. The more we press and come to His place of prayer, the more joy exists before Him.”
Wow. What an astonishing idea.
Hashem never says, " Hello - this is getting old," or “Hello - we dealt with this – 17 million times already” etc. He never becomes weary of hearing our hearts.
Knowing that changes the way I approach Him. I want to unburden myself to Him.
It also changes the way I try to relate to my own nefesh.
This is exactly what I saw in my favorite parenting book, “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.” Listen to what the author’s adult daughter recalls from her own childhood:
“I remember saving up the frustrations of my school day. I knew that I could bear it when the teacher was mean or some terrible injustice occurred because when I got home I could tell my mom. She’d listen to my outrage and I would be soothed and strengthened for the next assault. Even as a little girl I noticed that other parents were different and I remember wondering how other kids got by without having anyone to listen to their sorrows.”
This is the gift Hashem gives us.
This is the gift a parent gives a child.
And this is the gift our neshamah gives our nefesh. Try it.
The next time you find yourself overwhelmed, don't rush to fix the feelings or push them away.
Instead, ask:
"What are you feeling?"
Then listen.
Not as a technique to make the feelings disappear.
Not as a strategy to regain control.
Simply because every part of us longs to be seen, known, and accepted, to not feel like a burden to another.
Only after your nefesh has finished speaking you might ask:
"Would you like my help thinking about what comes next?"
And thus, upon the foundation of trust and warmth, begins the next stage of Inner Connection: Loving Authority and Guidance.
Thanks for reading,
Henry Harris
To view this idea as a video, visit HERE.
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