Our culture has become increasingly fluent in the language of victimhood.
Everywhere we turn we're encouraged to explain our present by pointing to our past. We are invited to identify the people who failed us, the circumstances that shaped us, and the reasons our life isn't what we wish it were.
There is, of course, truth in this. We have all been influenced by the people and experiences that formed us.
But there is also a danger.
The Torah introduces that danger almost immediately.
After Adam and Chava eat from the Tree, they hide. Hashem asks Adam a simple question: "Did you eat from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?"
Adam's response is striking.
"The woman that You gave me—she gave me from the tree, and I ate."
In one sentence he blames Chava...and then blames G-d for giving her to him.
That moment is more than the first act of blame. It is the first act of self-abandonment.
Blame always promises relief. "If my life is this way because of someone else, then at least I know why."
But blame carries a hidden cost. As long as the cause of my suffering lives outside of me, I cannot become the cause of my healing.
This doesn't mean our childhoods don't matter. They do.
Most of us were raised by loving, imperfect parents.
My parents were beautiful, flawed human beings. They gave me much, and at times I experienced difficulties connected to their flaws. Oh how much I owe and love them. I hope I've given my own children much, and I know they've experienced pain because of my imperfections.
That isn't a defect in creation.
That's the human condition.
The Creator entrusted children to imperfect parents because the goal of life isn't to receive perfect circumstances. The goal is to grow into becoming a loving steward of our own nefesh and the cause of our virtue.
Imagine that there is a frightened child in your home crying for comfort.
Would you stand across the room making phone calls about whose fault it is that the child is upset?
Of course not.
You would go to the child.
You would kneel beside them.
You would listen.
You would acknowledge their pain.
That child is still present within every one of us.
Whether we're twenty-five, fifty-five, or seventy-five, there is a nefesh inside us that sometimes feels frightened, ashamed, lonely, or overwhelmed.
When we spend much energy looking backward for someone to blame, we often fail to notice the nefesh that is crying out right now.
Instead of asking, "Whose fault is this?", Inner Connection asks, "What does my nefesh need from me today?"
Do I have the courage and humility to face the pain of the nefesh?
To not abandon it to escapism, hiding, neglect, blame?
And once trust has been restored, can I also provide gentle leadership?
Can I say, "Come. Let's make one good choice. Let's take one small step. Let's become the cause of a better life together. We can try and fail because we are together and that is our life."
That is neither denial nor self-blame.
It is responsibility.
We were not created to have perfect histories.
We were created to respond to imperfect histories with love, courage, and responsibility.
Blame asks, "Who caused my pain?"
Inner Connection asks, "How can I become the cause of my healing?"
Victimhood keeps us facing backward.
Inner Connection gently turns us toward the present, where healing has always been waiting.
May we have the courage to stop abandoning ourselves, to answer the call of our own nefesh, and to become loving leaders of the life Hashem has entrusted to us.
If you'd like to watch this idea on youtube, click HERE.
Everywhere we turn we're encouraged to explain our present by pointing to our past. We are invited to identify the people who failed us, the circumstances that shaped us, and the reasons our life isn't what we wish it were.
There is, of course, truth in this. We have all been influenced by the people and experiences that formed us.
But there is also a danger.
The Torah introduces that danger almost immediately.
After Adam and Chava eat from the Tree, they hide. Hashem asks Adam a simple question: "Did you eat from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?"
Adam's response is striking.
"The woman that You gave me—she gave me from the tree, and I ate."
In one sentence he blames Chava...and then blames G-d for giving her to him.
That moment is more than the first act of blame. It is the first act of self-abandonment.
Blame always promises relief. "If my life is this way because of someone else, then at least I know why."
But blame carries a hidden cost. As long as the cause of my suffering lives outside of me, I cannot become the cause of my healing.
This doesn't mean our childhoods don't matter. They do.
Most of us were raised by loving, imperfect parents.
My parents were beautiful, flawed human beings. They gave me much, and at times I experienced difficulties connected to their flaws. Oh how much I owe and love them. I hope I've given my own children much, and I know they've experienced pain because of my imperfections.
That isn't a defect in creation.
That's the human condition.
The Creator entrusted children to imperfect parents because the goal of life isn't to receive perfect circumstances. The goal is to grow into becoming a loving steward of our own nefesh and the cause of our virtue.
Imagine that there is a frightened child in your home crying for comfort.
Would you stand across the room making phone calls about whose fault it is that the child is upset?
Of course not.
You would go to the child.
You would kneel beside them.
You would listen.
You would acknowledge their pain.
That child is still present within every one of us.
Whether we're twenty-five, fifty-five, or seventy-five, there is a nefesh inside us that sometimes feels frightened, ashamed, lonely, or overwhelmed.
When we spend much energy looking backward for someone to blame, we often fail to notice the nefesh that is crying out right now.
Instead of asking, "Whose fault is this?", Inner Connection asks, "What does my nefesh need from me today?"
Do I have the courage and humility to face the pain of the nefesh?
To not abandon it to escapism, hiding, neglect, blame?
And once trust has been restored, can I also provide gentle leadership?
Can I say, "Come. Let's make one good choice. Let's take one small step. Let's become the cause of a better life together. We can try and fail because we are together and that is our life."
That is neither denial nor self-blame.
It is responsibility.
We were not created to have perfect histories.
We were created to respond to imperfect histories with love, courage, and responsibility.
Blame asks, "Who caused my pain?"
Inner Connection asks, "How can I become the cause of my healing?"
Victimhood keeps us facing backward.
Inner Connection gently turns us toward the present, where healing has always been waiting.
May we have the courage to stop abandoning ourselves, to answer the call of our own nefesh, and to become loving leaders of the life Hashem has entrusted to us.
If you'd like to watch this idea on youtube, click HERE.
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