“Ta,” my daughter asked me with frustration, “the boys took out all their swim stuff from our closet and left it all over the floor. Why should I have to put it all away? Why should we be their storage place?” I felt her agitation.
I followed my 9-year old son upstairs and asked him to come with me to survey the scene.
“Can you please gather the boys’ things and bring them to your room?” I asked.
“I don’t want to,” he said.
“Well, you don’t have to want to,” I said calmly. “I’m just asking you to do it.”
“But I don’t want to and I’m not going to.”
“Well,” I responded, “like I said, you don’t have to want to but you know what I’m asking of you.” I left.
“But I don’t want to and I’m not going to,” he called after me as I walked downstairs.
Fifteen minutes later I had reason to head back up. I peeked in to his room and saw the bag of boys’ clothes, neatly in a bag on his bedroom floor as I had asked.
Several days later, this same 9-year old informed me that he was stopping to attend his English phone classes five minutes before they were set to begin.
“I’m not calling in anymore,” he announced.
“Really?” I asked. “Why not?”
“All the kids are free exactly when I’m in class,” he said of his siblings. “I miss out on all the fun. And we don’t do anything in class anyway!”
“Well, let’s set you up for today and then I really want to solve this problem,” I offered.
“There is no problem. I’m just not going,” he said.
“Well,” I said calmly, “I see that you are really not happy about this class. I’d like to help, but I don’t think it’s right that you announce to your parents what you will and won’t do.”
I was not arguing. I was not forcing behavior. I waited.
“So what can I do?” he asked.
Honestly, I don’t remember what happened next. We came up with some solution and he got on the call late. He hasn’t resisted the call since.
Here are some takeaways from this story.
#1: In the moment, I did not resent or fight his resistance. He’s a human being. He gets to push boundaries.
#2: Plenty of time I do resent his resistance and get reactive: “Somebody’s going to win and it’s not going to be him.” That doesn’t go very well.
#3: I was not clear what to do. Questions came to mind as I walked away. What if he doesn’t listen? Would I back down? Would I consequence him? Would that ruin the warm atmosphere? It is normal to lack clarity. Parents are partners with God in raising children. I accept that I need Divine insight to do this. In that acceptance, wisdom regularly shows up.
#4: I am always lacking on some level as a father. My kids will not only survive that, they can only get what they need through God’s employing a deficit-filled human being as their father.
I followed my 9-year old son upstairs and asked him to come with me to survey the scene.
“Can you please gather the boys’ things and bring them to your room?” I asked.
“I don’t want to,” he said.
“Well, you don’t have to want to,” I said calmly. “I’m just asking you to do it.”
“But I don’t want to and I’m not going to.”
“Well,” I responded, “like I said, you don’t have to want to but you know what I’m asking of you.” I left.
“But I don’t want to and I’m not going to,” he called after me as I walked downstairs.
Fifteen minutes later I had reason to head back up. I peeked in to his room and saw the bag of boys’ clothes, neatly in a bag on his bedroom floor as I had asked.
Several days later, this same 9-year old informed me that he was stopping to attend his English phone classes five minutes before they were set to begin.
“I’m not calling in anymore,” he announced.
“Really?” I asked. “Why not?”
“All the kids are free exactly when I’m in class,” he said of his siblings. “I miss out on all the fun. And we don’t do anything in class anyway!”
“Well, let’s set you up for today and then I really want to solve this problem,” I offered.
“There is no problem. I’m just not going,” he said.
“Well,” I said calmly, “I see that you are really not happy about this class. I’d like to help, but I don’t think it’s right that you announce to your parents what you will and won’t do.”
I was not arguing. I was not forcing behavior. I waited.
“So what can I do?” he asked.
Honestly, I don’t remember what happened next. We came up with some solution and he got on the call late. He hasn’t resisted the call since.
Here are some takeaways from this story.
#1: In the moment, I did not resent or fight his resistance. He’s a human being. He gets to push boundaries.
#2: Plenty of time I do resent his resistance and get reactive: “Somebody’s going to win and it’s not going to be him.” That doesn’t go very well.
#3: I was not clear what to do. Questions came to mind as I walked away. What if he doesn’t listen? Would I back down? Would I consequence him? Would that ruin the warm atmosphere? It is normal to lack clarity. Parents are partners with God in raising children. I accept that I need Divine insight to do this. In that acceptance, wisdom regularly shows up.
#4: I am always lacking on some level as a father. My kids will not only survive that, they can only get what they need through God’s employing a deficit-filled human being as their father.
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