Welcome to My Parenting Insights and Blog Page
I've been a parent since 2001. I used to experience it as tense duty albeit with many happy times. Now I would call it a deeply fulfilling mission. Nothing has confronted, challenged, and led me (aside from marriage!) to discover Divine blessing and strength like being a parent.
I learn best from exploring real stories and dialogues between parents and kids. So I share blogs about my encounters with parenting. To begin, below are a few general parenting insights.
I welcome your comments or questions at henry@jewishwellbeing.org.
I learn best from exploring real stories and dialogues between parents and kids. So I share blogs about my encounters with parenting. To begin, below are a few general parenting insights.
I welcome your comments or questions at henry@jewishwellbeing.org.
#1 He Helps
The Talmud says parenting is a 3-way partnership: mom, dad, and God. A little extra patience, some inspired problem solving - these are blessings that I cannot turn on like a switch but they show up regularly for all parents.
#2 It Hurts
The Talmud also says that raising kids hurts (in Hebrew: tzar gidul banim). It exposes our deficits and that can feel scary. The good news is there is nothing more human than having deficits. They are the vehicle for us to make God our partner in revealing something beautiful.
#3 Understanding Over Fixing
You cannot save your kids from facing their own deficits and fears, nor can you fix or solve them. When you understand that their deficits are human and worthy of attention and dignity, they sense that and become more at ease in facing and navigating their own lives.
#4 You’re on a Journey
You have permission to not know what to do.
#5 You Are Responsible. Therefore You Have Authority
Running a home is not democracy. Benevolent use of authority is necessary.
The Talmud says parenting is a 3-way partnership: mom, dad, and God. A little extra patience, some inspired problem solving - these are blessings that I cannot turn on like a switch but they show up regularly for all parents.
#2 It Hurts
The Talmud also says that raising kids hurts (in Hebrew: tzar gidul banim). It exposes our deficits and that can feel scary. The good news is there is nothing more human than having deficits. They are the vehicle for us to make God our partner in revealing something beautiful.
#3 Understanding Over Fixing
You cannot save your kids from facing their own deficits and fears, nor can you fix or solve them. When you understand that their deficits are human and worthy of attention and dignity, they sense that and become more at ease in facing and navigating their own lives.
#4 You’re on a Journey
You have permission to not know what to do.
#5 You Are Responsible. Therefore You Have Authority
Running a home is not democracy. Benevolent use of authority is necessary.
#5: When Big Kids Feel Stuck
One of my big kids sometimes feels paralyzed in making decisions.
For months he was anxious to be accepted to a different yeshiva. His current yeshiva had its plusses, but he was clear it was not a long term fit. Last week he was finally accepted to his school of choice. Immediately, he became terrified of switching.
Fascinating, no?
He had detailed analyses on why each school could be both the right place and simultaneously a real mistake. He was swinging like a pendulum while loading up on more and more outside input to help solve his clarity problem. Emotionally and physically exhausted, he was also becoming frightened: what’s wrong with me that I can’t find my way?
When he shared all this me, a few things seemed clear. MORE
For months he was anxious to be accepted to a different yeshiva. His current yeshiva had its plusses, but he was clear it was not a long term fit. Last week he was finally accepted to his school of choice. Immediately, he became terrified of switching.
Fascinating, no?
He had detailed analyses on why each school could be both the right place and simultaneously a real mistake. He was swinging like a pendulum while loading up on more and more outside input to help solve his clarity problem. Emotionally and physically exhausted, he was also becoming frightened: what’s wrong with me that I can’t find my way?
When he shared all this me, a few things seemed clear. MORE
#4: Swim, Fish, Swim
There’s a cartoon I like that depicts a greeting between two fish.
Fish 1: “How’s the water?”
Fish 2: “What water?”
I’m like Fish 2 regularly. I am living in a flow of Divine energy/thought without noticing it.
Take parenting. At times it feels like I’m living in the reality of my kids’ present behavior and future prospects. It’s uplifting or frightening. But I am beginning to watch myself with my kids. I’m starting to see a disconnect between them and my moods. In that disconnect lies some freedom. Here’s a scenario.
I called to my seven and nine-year olds to change and brush for bedtime. They happily continued their lego work. I noticed a bubbling agitation within me. I could start yelling right now, I thought, as I observed their unresponsiveness. But, could I ask again, without raising volume? I tried it. MORE
Fish 1: “How’s the water?”
Fish 2: “What water?”
I’m like Fish 2 regularly. I am living in a flow of Divine energy/thought without noticing it.
Take parenting. At times it feels like I’m living in the reality of my kids’ present behavior and future prospects. It’s uplifting or frightening. But I am beginning to watch myself with my kids. I’m starting to see a disconnect between them and my moods. In that disconnect lies some freedom. Here’s a scenario.
I called to my seven and nine-year olds to change and brush for bedtime. They happily continued their lego work. I noticed a bubbling agitation within me. I could start yelling right now, I thought, as I observed their unresponsiveness. But, could I ask again, without raising volume? I tried it. MORE
#3: No Need to Resent the Resistance
“Ta,” my daughter asked me with frustration, “the boys took out all their swim stuff from our closet and left it all over the floor. Why should I have to put it all away? Why should we be their storage place?”
I felt her agitation.
I followed my 9-year old son upstairs and asked him to come with me to survey the scene.
“Can you please gather the boys’ things and bring them to your room?” I asked.
“I don’t want to,” he said.
“Well, you don’t have to want to,” I said calmly. “I’m just asking you to do it.”
“But I don’t want to and I’m not going to.” MORE
I felt her agitation.
I followed my 9-year old son upstairs and asked him to come with me to survey the scene.
“Can you please gather the boys’ things and bring them to your room?” I asked.
“I don’t want to,” he said.
“Well, you don’t have to want to,” I said calmly. “I’m just asking you to do it.”
“But I don’t want to and I’m not going to.” MORE
#2: When the Storm Comes, Stay Put
One of my kids wanted a pet. The other night he got very persistent in his requests. I could feel myself getting rattled.
“He’s going on too long,” I thought. “He’s acting like a brat. Squelch his sense of entitlement or you’re a bad parent, etc.”
“Why can’t I?” he complained.
“Neither Mommy or I want an animal in the house,” I said calmly.
“Why not?” I stopped to ask myself that question. Was there something that felt right?
“I’m not sure why,” I replied. He paused a moment in the face of my non-reaction. He was ready to battle. I wasn’t battling. Then he found a new entry. MORE
“He’s going on too long,” I thought. “He’s acting like a brat. Squelch his sense of entitlement or you’re a bad parent, etc.”
“Why can’t I?” he complained.
“Neither Mommy or I want an animal in the house,” I said calmly.
“Why not?” I stopped to ask myself that question. Was there something that felt right?
“I’m not sure why,” I replied. He paused a moment in the face of my non-reaction. He was ready to battle. I wasn’t battling. Then he found a new entry. MORE
#1: Sometimes Parenting Means Not Knowing
One of my kids recently asked for access to an online video game in which players design 3-D game props. Our policy has been not to allow our kids web or video games. He assured us this is more about the graphic design. And he offered to set up tight limits to his daily use, all linked to scholastic achievements and chores.
My gut was to say no. It has been helpful to limit my children’s exposure to these things. They read. They play with each other. They interact.
Still, I was conflicted. I like to say yes to my kids. I like to give, to fulfill their requests and see them happy. He’s such a good boy.
I was uncertain. I felt pain, and though unaware of it in the moment, I wanted to blame someone or something for this pain.
My son. If he weren’t so insistent on something I find yucky, I wouldn’t have been in this position. What’s wrong with him?
Myself. What’s wrong with me that I don’t know if I’m being responsible? Or a control freak? Or harming the warm bond between us?
I didn’t like it. MORE
My gut was to say no. It has been helpful to limit my children’s exposure to these things. They read. They play with each other. They interact.
Still, I was conflicted. I like to say yes to my kids. I like to give, to fulfill their requests and see them happy. He’s such a good boy.
I was uncertain. I felt pain, and though unaware of it in the moment, I wanted to blame someone or something for this pain.
My son. If he weren’t so insistent on something I find yucky, I wouldn’t have been in this position. What’s wrong with him?
Myself. What’s wrong with me that I don’t know if I’m being responsible? Or a control freak? Or harming the warm bond between us?
I didn’t like it. MORE