It is both common sense and Jewish wisdom that we have pleasure in being of help to our loved ones: our spouse, our kids, our friends.  There is tremendous satisfaction and holiness in benefitting others. 
 
The challenge for me is when my liking to help loved ones crosses over into needing to help them.
 
“It’s a problem that you’re not different.  You need to change.”  Even if I don’t say this aloud, the sentiment in my heart speaks for itself. 
 
This can frighten loved ones to the point they withdraw and view my influence and even presence as something to avoid.  This can in turn add to my frustration and thus zeal to influence change.  And the cycle goes on.
 
I have fallen into this many, many times.   I assume I will in the future.  I am seeing more clearly that there is a logic behind this judgment and I am seeing more clearly that it’s false.
 
The logic is that my experience somehow derives from others.  My wife’s happiness holds the key to my wellbeing.  My child’s well-adjusted ways directly influence my equilibrium.  Inside that logic, every person with a self-preservation instinct will feel compelled to change their spouse or kid.   This is understandable, it’s human, and in addition to being false, will generally lead to struggle and upset.
 
The alternative to that logic goes something like this: each of us lives our lives in the state of mind, the emotional experience, and the understanding we are gifted with in this moment.  We do our best with the understanding we have.
 
Seeing this, I have less concern that my experience is at the mercy of those around me.  I become untangled from loved ones.  They’re free to do their best (or struggle) and so am I.  With less concern for or need to manage my experience, I see the illogic of changing theirs.  I can just be with them.  Changes and results in general start to fall away as the focus of my goals and my true job comes sharply into view. 
 
My job starts with the simple task of seeing what's true - that the source of my emotional experience arises from one place and one place only - the gift of thought that the Al-mighty makes available to me now.  This is clarity. 
 
This is also emunah (“belief” in Hebrew).  It's not for naught that our Sages say that one who lives with this understanding "resides in the City of Refuge," free from the confusion and inner chaos that accompanies the falseness of an ego-guided perspective.
 
Emunah clarity is not defined by an emotional state per se - not calm, nor loving warmth, nor any other positive emotion.  It's knowing that whatever emotional experience I find myself in comes from within me through the gift of Divine thought in this moment.  Aside from this being a mitzvah and a wonderful accomplishment, I find this allows me greater choice. 
 
Choice to remember what is true about my and others’ psychological experience and avoid codependence.
 
Choice to ask God for a heart and mind that are clear, for help to see that I am free of dependency on loved ones’ actions or feelings, that I can be a safe space and resource for them on their journey unconditionally.
 
Choice to say thank you to God and stand in mind-boggling gratitude when I experience that help. 
 
Choice to see when my vision is impaired, when my mind feels flooded with anger and blame and other trappings of the logic of ego-based thought (which, by the way, also comes from God in this moment) and thereby step away. 
 
Or perhaps choice after failing to step away – to appreciate how human it is to become confused, to accept responsibility and express regret for hurtful words or actions, and to affirm my commitment to be helpful and loving.
 
As best as I can tell in this moment, this is the journey God has placed us on.  It’s a journey of standing in His presence – loving, all-encompassing, always, at all times, no matter what unfolds around or within us. 
 
How fortunate are we to know even a little bit about it.  I have no words to adequately convey my gratitude for the gift of this opportunity.

One of the simplest and most impactful ways to deal with stress is simply to understand that though we have stress, it doesn’t define us.  Consider the story of the Red Sea.  

With the Egyptians hot on their trail, the Jewish people run up against a body of water with nowhere to go.  They despair.

“Moshe, were there no graves in Egypt that you took us to die in the desert?” It’s black, there’s no hope, the whole Exodus was pointless!

Four verses later, Moshe is praying desperately when God says, “Enough, Moshe.  All they have to do is jump in.”  According to the Medrash, God was saying, “You don’t need to pray, Moshe.  These Jews are big believers.  They trust in Me, they left Egypt to follow Me.  In the merit of their trust, the sea will split.”  

Huh?  Literally a few moments beforehand, they’re sunk in despair, regretting their whole relationship with God.  Now God testifies, “Ah!  My children – such believers, worthy of miracles!”  Are they believers or not?  Is their temper tantrum really nothing?

Yes, says the Talmud.  “Ain adam nitfas b’shaas tzaaro” – “a person isn’t defined by his times of personal emergency.”  Normal people fall into temporary bouts of crisis-thinking and insanity.  God knows we aren’t our emergency thinking.  

Do we?

The more a person understands this –  that we have emergency thinking but we aren’t defined by it –  the less sticky it is, the more it cycles through.  Our personal thought quiets down.  By not overreacting to our crisis state we cling to it less and our natural, default connection to G-d remains more accessible.  

Perhaps this is what King Solomon meant when he said, “God made people straight; they sought calculations.”

And perhaps this is what we refer to when high level athletes, performers, and business people are “in the zone.”  It’s an understanding that allows them to encounter breakdowns without becoming derailed.  Rather than panic, they persist with humility and trusting resolve, knowing their connection to God’s wisdom will lead to a righting of the ship.   

I don’t know how to turn my emergency thinking off like a switch, but I have seen there is an understanding that helps me to be more permeable to wisdom.  God’s advice would seem to run something like this:  See your tendency to lose perspective not as something personal but as part of the human experience.  I provide everyone with both constricted  and expansive thoughts at times. When worry and fearful thoughts buffet you, don’t run after them; stay put.   In moments of calm, stay grateful.  Whatever it looks like, stay in this moment, the only place connection to Me ever happens.